Boys - Making Things Difficult

Boys - Making Things Difficult Since The Beginning of Time

People are funny things. They say they want to be alone, that they are happier that way. Then they keep communication lines way open. Talking to you, showing up at your door at 5am after planning it though mutual conversation. It can be confusing to say the least.

Spending the time with these types of people can be an ego boost. Or it can be soul-destroying for the girl, the object in the equation. The boy is adamant that yet, despite the obvious wish for company and contact, 'vaaants to be alone'. Because, they're apparently happier that way!

Colour me completely confused. The ego boost is amazing. Attention, whether positive or negative, is the attention just the same. Anything a girl can do whilst in the midst of despair to get that desired contact will be an idea she will entertain. All sensible ideas just won't occur to her. She is heartbroken, and devastated. And trying her utmost to show the boy how much she cares. How much she is still there for him when no one else is. And still, still he doesn't understand. Men can be often blinded to any show of emotion, preferring to brush it away like an irritating buzzy insect.

The boy doesn't generally like to show any sort of emotion or indeed feelings of any sort. The one I currently refer to is typical of the stereotype 'strong and silent'. Overtly so. This man, when met with any array of feelings he finds difficult to deal with, sticks his head in the proverbial sand. He ignores his head, and silences his heart, willing himself not to 'feel'. Is this because he is acutely aware that, should he let himself emote, he will have to acknowledge and deal with the feelings he finds so difficult to contend with. They terrify him, and many other men.

Into his shell he will retreat, popping his head out from time to time, to gauge the storm. He is content to live in his comfortable little bubble, extending invitations only to certain friends, family, work, and not forgetting his mum, to whose apron strings he is tightly bound with. Funnily enough, this invitation does not extend to the person who has caused the out pour of feelings he is so desperate to stem, just as blood flows from a wound.

Should the girl coax the boy out of his turtle's shell? Is there any point to it at all?

Can love as deeply felt by she, and deeply hidden and misunderstood by him, conquer all?

This girl loves her boy, as awkward and annoying as he is, for he is hers. As long as he will text and talk, and visit and touch her, she gives a hundred percent of her to be his. And only his. 

This girl realises the end may be nigh. It has come, and gone, and come and gone gain. But to forge ahead, she must let go of the past, and embrace the present. Her journey to the future is right on front of her, if she could only accept it. If she can only understand that to let go of the old painful past, by inviting the tentative nerve wracking new in.

Begin your journey, girl. Forget boy, and be happy. Because you're damned lucky, even if you don't feel it.

Pop Personal Quiz

So, I've seen this on a few other blogs recently, and thought it would be fun to do. This time, the questions are for you. Humor me, here, people - make me laugh at my ridiculous questions and cheer me up. Thanks to Carmen at www.momtothescreamingmasses.com for this one :)

1- What was the last thing you ate? And had to drink? I ate pasta with salami, fennel and parmesan sauce last night. And have a cup of coffee on the go right now. Sadly the pasta made a reappearance because I was sad last night.

2 - What was the last movie you saw? The last movie I went to see was Brave, an awesome Disney film. And yes -I cried. I need to get to the movies with my boys more :(

3 - Am I the only person who doesn't like mojitos? Yes, I like them but only one as a starter drink. Otherwise I feel like I have Worzel Gummidge teeth all night. For any readers (as if there are any!) who don't get this check him out on Youtube.

4 - Do you feel guilty if you run a red light? Or do you just feel like you've gotten one over on the man? I don't drive, but I am positively against 'the man'.

5 - If you could only take one kind of vitamin, what would you feel was the most important? Erm, bad Deborah, I don't take vitamins. I eat fruit and veg.

6 - Are you wearing socks right now? Yes I am, thank you for asking.  And no they don't match.

7 - What kind of gas mileage are you getting lately? None, my legs are getting less exercise than they should. 

8 - Even though this is the absolute longest Christmas season possible - i.e., we had the earliest turkey day possible - who among us already knows that she'll be scrambling last minute?? I didn't have turkey day - I'm British, for my sins - but Christmas feels like it's been almost upon us for ages now. People near me have decorations in the window since mid-November. Mine might go up on the 1st December, if I can be arsed. I'm already rushing round like a mad thing, the money's tight this year and isn't forced to stretch t  much more than my kids and parents' gifts.

9 - If someone does something nice for you, how do you repay the favor? Send a thank you note? Make cookies? Or just do nothing and hope karma will even it out for you? I say thank you over the phone or face to face. And then do something nice for them when they need it the most.

10 - Are you a liquid or bar soap person? Liquid all the way. God, that sounds wrong in my head. Ha.

11 - What was the last text message you received?'You have to do what makes you happy, and I don't want to see you hurt or miserable. Don't make any decisions when you're upset. xx' This was from my closest friend and cousin Suzie. I'm having a tough time in my new relationship. It seems I'm the only one making any effort. But he is 22, and still lives at home so I make exceptions for him when I shouldn't. He needs a dose of reality one feels.

The Fabulous Return of....well....me.

So two years have miraculously flown by and I'm a very different girl to the one who sat at this same keyboard in July 2010.

I guess I don't stick to much for very long which always goes a long way to explain my blogging frequency. I flit from one thing to the next always searching for something. I don't know what that something is, and it's proving to be awesome at hide-and-seek. Haha.

I didn't finish university. It was my precious sanity and my children or my degree, and no education is more important than my health and kids. I spent a long time, like a year and a half, in the grip of a non-relationship. I was in love, he wasn't, but continued to take full advantage of the fact.

Lesser factors include needing to nap more than blog, struggling and making progress in becoming a better parent, and building a series of bridges with old friends and family. I also lost my best friend in a silly one-sided (her side!) argument that to this day I have no knowledge of.

Ah well. So it goes.

Now here I sit/stand/crawl, depending on the day and my frame of mind. My mental health is fabulous, my kids are well-balanced, healthy and happy (unless we talk about how computer time is enough!) and I'm in a new relationship. That is a whole other post.

I'm cooling down from a full-on blubbering rant/paddy, caused by my less than sensitive other half. He loves me I know this much, but damn boy, send a  text it makes me feel all included in your life and shit. I hate being ignored. It really grates on my nerves. So i had a small meltdown. More Eyjafjullkull (Icelandic ashcloud causing volcano) scale than Vesuvius, but i felt justified. As ever, I was proved wrong. My new catch sleeps like a sloth - often and loooonngggg. I, on the other hand, sleep about six hours if that, and once I'm awake, I'm up. It's like negotiating with terrorists sometimes to get the lad to wake up. And yes, I have tried sex, bacon and that other thing that wakes every other man on the planet up. No dice. GRRR. 

My head hurts now from the spilling of long forgot crap and newly acquired headaches. 

So, welcome back me.

I'm Dying Mummy!!! Help!!

Last night was the start of many things to signify my boys growing up.

Plainly put, D got a nosebleed. I am one of those peculiar people who has never had a nosebleed. And from the looks of our bathroom/slaughterhouse yesterday circa 8pm, I never want one either.

He was terrified bless him. Screaming at the top of his lungs for me, I knew something was wrong with the way he shouted for me. I bolted up stairs and my son was covered in blood. I inwardly freaked for a split second and realised it was a nosebleed. His little brother was crying to, he hates the sight of blood, which is odd, considering that he is usually the cause of blood in our house.

I maneouvred D to the sink, where a sudden gush made it look like I'd slit a pig's throat in there within seconds. I held his head forward over the sink, with strict instructions to STAY LIKE THAT, and belted down the stairs to phone my mum, and look on nhs direct at the same time.

My mum sounded as if I'd interrupted her nightly tv viewing, which I probably had, but who cares? Emmerdale lost it's appeal to me when I was seven and I realised i couldnt stand it. She told me to look on the internet and let her know how things panned out. (After corrie of course!)

The nhs direct website is fab, it gives you symptoms causes treatments and it's just cool. Very helpful. It told me to pinch D's nose together for 10 minutes to clot the blood and stop it flowing. Then, it told me to make sure he sat upright for the next few hours. Erm, I disagree, NHS. Its nine pm and he will be one tired little boy come 7am when he has to get up for shool. So we missed that bit out. And after twenty minutes of firm gentle reassurance that he merely had a nosebleed and wasn't dying, he went to bed.

The funniest bit of the entire incident was J, using wipes to clean the blood off everything in sight, while sticking his pink little tongue out the side of his mouth, and exclaiming every few minutes 'Blood has germs, we need to clean it up'.

Where the hell did a five year old pick THAT information up????

Next time on Messy Mummy.....

The day the guineapig and rabbit came home and mummy was scared of picking them up....

Lonely Planet

It's pretty lonely in my neck of my woods most of the time. The friends I have made recently are all busy with their own families over the summer and my best friend is spending time with her OH who lives far away from us, so I'll leave them be for the weekend. They don't get much time together.

I'm one of those people that can be lonely in a crowded room. I could sit in Wembley Stadium and not say a single real thing to a single person. I can converse quite well, in fact I never shut up. But running quietly under the jibber jabber, like a Ferrari engine waiting for it's gas to be depressed, my actual voice sits silent. Everybody seems to ask, hey are you okay? They don't want a real answer. What they are actually saying to you is don't load me with your issues, be fine, and everything will carry on as usual. British stiff upper lip and all that.

Well this British stiff upper lip is beginning to grate a bit. I have counted the last real thing I said to someone. It was my best friend. I won't tell you what I said. TMI and stuff. But that was a few days ago. I haven't seen any other friends in person for months and I feel so isolated. I have a window next to the computer that looks out onto the main drag. Oh. that sounds all industrial, but it's nice honestly. Mature trees and plants, plenty of people going about their lives.

And me. Sat here listening to my 45GB of Itunes music, with my life stuck on Pause, until 21st September at the very earliest, when I start Year 2 of my degree. I must be the worst student in the world because i literally CAN'T.WAIT to start back.

Someone save me from drowning in my sea of silence.